- Moist von Lipwig
Moist von Lipwig
Moist von Lipwig on the cover of Making Money.
Description Human with no notable physical traits. Associations Ankh-Morpork Post Office, Royal Mint, and Bank Location Ankh-Morpork First seen Going Postal Also in Thud!
Notes Engaged to Adora Belle Dearheart.
Background and execution
Little is known about Moist von Lipwig's past. He originally comes from Überwald, specifically from a town called Lipwig, and lost both his parents at an early age, and was raised by a grandfather who bred dogs. He was raised in the Potato Church, which apparently states that everything will be alright after you die as long as you have a potato. He attended school in Uberwald, and had bad memories of his second year school mistress, Frau Shambers. He was bullied at school but ran away and became a travelling conman. In Making Money he alluded to living through the chaos of the breakup of the Unholy Empire, and having to do anything at all to survive, though he may have been lying. At some point he met and associated with Cribbins, another criminal who taught him everything he (Cribbins) knew. But their association ended, and later Lipwig developed a dislike for Cribbins, reflecting that the teaching took "about ten minutes, and a year to forget some of it," and that Cribbins is "the sort that gives criminals a bad name."
During his time as a conman, Lipwig took advantage of the fact that he has no notable physical traits and is easily forgettable. According to the numerous descriptions handed in to various watches across the Plains; "He was about twenty, or about thirty. On Watch reports across the continent he was anywhere between, oh, about six feet two inches and five feet nine inches tall, hair all shades from mid-brown to blond, and his lack of distinguishing features included his entire face." (In Going Postal he claims his actual age is 26). Lipwig uses his lack of memorability to his advantage in the use of a selection of easily removable distinguishable features, such as fake glasses and even ear hair wigs. He has become an expert forger and uses a wide range of inks and papers that he stores in what he calls "Mr. Robinson's Box."
He also used a number of aliases, including Albert Spangler. It was under the name Albert Spangler that he was captured in Ankh-Morpork and was to be hanged, in the beginning of events in Going Postal.
In Going Postal, the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork arranged to have Lipwig survive his hanging. When Lipwig woke up, Vetinari offered him a job as Ankh-Morpork's Postmaster General which Lipwig could take or reject of his own free will (the alternative being, essentially, death, again of his own free will). At that time, the city's postal service was failing. The task of restoring it had claimed the lives of four of Vetinari's clerks, and the competing and mercilessly corporate Clacks network, the Grand Trunk Clacks Company, was being run by a conman, Reacher Gilt. Lipwig nonetheless manages to revive the postal service by applying the principles of the con to honest work, introduces the postage stamp and causes the downfall of the Grand Trunk Clacks Company by exposing the fraudulent practices introduced by Gilt. By the beginning of Making Money, the Clacks network is run by the Ankh-Morpork Postal Service.
Moist, and the Post Office, has a very minor cameo in Thud!. Commander Vimes notices that the Ankh-Morpork Post Office has issued two different sets of stamps commemorating the Battle of Koom Valley, one in which the Dwarfs are winning the battle, the other the Trolls, and he makes an angry remark about "that pea-brain at the Post Office" (probably referring to Stanley, the Head of Stamps Dept, who's known to have been raised by peas). He also mentions the cabbage stamp with the potentially explosive cabbage scented glue, of which Corporal Nobbs has confiscated many examples.
In Making Money, the Patrician offers Moist the additional job of running the Royal Bank of Ankh-Morpork and the Royal Mint just behind it. He refuses this offer, but when the chairwoman of the bank dies, she leaves all her shares to her dog Mr Fusspot, and the dog to Moist and alerts the Assassins' Guild to the situation who would kill Lipwig should he refuse the job. Therefore he becomes responsible for the bank. Moist becomes the Master of the Royal Mint then introduces paper money to Ankh-Morpork and revolutionises the bank, whilst keeping it out of the hands of the greedy Lavish family who sit on the board of directors.
Moist von Lipwig meets and begins courting Adora Belle Dearheart in Going Postal. By Making Money, the two are engaged. Dearheart plays an important role in Lipwig's life, in that dating her provides him with the dangerous thrill he needs in his life. When she is away, he needs to perform various dangerous activities, such as climbing high buildings and extreme sneezing.
Lipwig is not a follower of a particular god. However, a con he perpetrated in Going Postal led to a massive increase in the popularity of the goddess Anoia. In Making Money, he takes up praying to her, on the basis that she "owes" him.
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