Obsessive love

Obsessive love

Obsessive love is a state in which one person feels an overwhelming obsessive desire to possess another person toward whom they feel a strong sexual attraction, with an inability to accept failure or rejection. Although not categorized under any specific mental diagnosis by the DSM IV, the problem is believed by many to be a mental illness that may be related to obsessive-compulsive disorder. Obsessive lovers may feel entirely unable to prevent themselves from extreme behaviors such as stalking, rape, and other acts of violence toward themselves, their target, or others. They may be entirely convinced that their feelings are love, and may reject the idea that their severe obsession is not love.

A few books have been written with the intent of helping obsessive lovers, and many books have been written toward targets of obsessive love. Books written for obsessive lovers, who may feel helpless over their thoughts and feelings include Confusing Love with Obsession: When Being in Love Means Being in Control by Dr. John D. Moore, and Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships by Susan Peabody.


The "Obsessive Love Wheel"

Love wheel

The "Obsessive Love Wheel" (OLW) is a hypothetical sphere originally described by Dr. John D. Moore in his book, Confusing Love with Obsession. The wheel illustrates the four stages of Obsessive Relational Progression as part of Relational Dependency (RD). Moore suggests that for people who are afflicted with relational dependency (love addiction, codependency, etc.) their relationships often follow the pattern of the wheel.

The initial phase of ORP is characterized by an instantaneous and overwhelming attraction to another person. It is at this point the relationally dependent person becomes dependant on a romantic interest, usually resulting from the slightest bit of attention from the person they are attracted to.

Phase one: Attraction phase

  • An instant attraction to romantic interest, usually occurring within the first few minutes of meeting.
  • An immediate urge to rush into a relationship regardless of compatibility.
  • Becoming "hooked on the look" of another, focusing on the person's physical characteristics while ignoring personality differences.
  • Unrealistic fantasies about a relationship with a love interest, assigning unrealistic qualities to an object of affection.
  • The beginnings of obsessive, controlling behaviors begin to manifest.

Phase two: Anxious phase

This phase is considered a relational turning point, which usually occurs after a commitment has been made between both parties. Sometimes, however, the relationally dependent person will enter into this phase without the presence of a commitment. The relation can be severed here, resulting in a depressing time for the controlling party. If not severed by this time, psychological help will be required. This happens when the afflicted person creates the illusion of intimacy, regardless of the other person's true feelings. The second phase of ORP behaviors can include :

  • Unfounded thoughts of infidelity on the part of a partner and demanding accountability for normal daily activities.
  • An overwhelming fear of abandonment, including baseless thoughts of a partner walking out of the relationship in favor of another person.
  • The need to be in constant contact with a love interest via phone, email or in person.
  • Strong feelings of mistrust begin to emerge, causing depression, resentment and relational tension.
  • The continuation and escalation of obsessive, controlling behaviors.
  • Feeling the other partner doesn't and shouldn't need to contact, meet, bond and/or speak with others.
  • Violent reactions (verbal and physical) directed to the loved one and/or to oneself if the controlled person starts denying the obsessive demands.

Phase three: Obsessive phase

This particular phase represents the rapid escalation of this unhealthy attachment style. It is at this point that obsessive, controlling behaviors reach critical mass, ultimately overwhelming the RD person's life. Also at this point that the person being controlled begins to pull back and, ultimately, severs the relationship. In short, Phase Three is characterized by a total loss of control on the part of the RD person, resulting from extreme anxiety. Usually, the following characteristics are apparent during the third phase of ORP.

  • The onset of tunnel vision, meaning that the relationally dependent person cannot stop thinking about a love interest and requires his or her constant attention.
  • Neurotic, compulsive behaviors, including rapid telephone calls to love interest's place of residence or workplace.
  • Unfounded accusations of infidelity due to extreme anxiety.
  • "Drive-bys" around a love interest's home or place of employment, with the goal of assuring that the person is where they're supposed to be.
  • Physical or electronic monitoring activities, following a love interest's whereabouts throughout the course of a day to discover daily activities.
  • Extreme control tactics, including questioning a love interest's commitment to the relationship with the goal of manipulating a love interest into providing more attention.

Phase four: Destructive phase

This is the final phase of Obsessive Relational Progression. It represents the destruction of the relationship, due to phase three behaviors, which have caused a love interest to understandably flee. For a variety of reasons, this is considered the most dangerous of the four phases, because the RD person suddenly plummets into a deep depression due to the collapse of the relationship. Here are some of the more common behaviors that are exhibited during phase four of ORP:

  • Overwhelming feelings of depression (feeling a sense of emptiness inside).
  • A sudden loss of self-esteem, due to the collapse of the relationship.
  • Extreme feelings of self-blame and at times, self-hatred.
  • Anger, rage and a desire to seek revenge against a love interest for breaking off the relationship.
  • The use of drugs, alcohol, food or sex to heal the emotional pain.
  • Suicidal thoughts may manifest. Without emotional counseling, the subject is at risk of suicide.

See also


  • Shaef, Anne. Escape from Intimacy. 1989, Harper Collins.
  • Moore, John D (2006) "Confusing Love with Obsession: When Being in Love Means Being in Control"
  • Hodgkinson, Liz (1991) "Obsessive Love. How to Free Your Emotions and Live Again."
  • Forward, S. & Buck, C. (1991) "Obsessive Love. When It Hurts Too Much To Let Go."
  • Peabody, Susan 1989, 1994, 2005, "Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships."
  • Arterburn, Stephen, 1991, "When you love too Much."
  • Hall, Jim, 2010, "Surviving Withdrawal: The Break Up Workbook for Love Addicts- Overcoming Obsession."

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