43-Man Squamish

in Woodbridge's 2004 obituary. [http://www.nytimes.com/2004/01/22/arts/22WOOD.html?ex=1223438400&en=310300381fadb71b&ei=5070]

Published under the "There's a Soccer Born Every Minute Dept." heading, the magazine purported that its new sport would avoid the "inherent evils" present in other college sports, described as too professional and which do not allow everyone to participate. 43-Man Squamish is an incredibly complex game with intentionally convoluted and confusing rules. In the article, new terminology is introduced with no explanation; much of the humor derives from the reader's half-successful attempts at gleaning a meaning from context. Exactly what everyone on the team is supposed to do, exactly what penalties apply, and exactly when or why the "yellow danger flag" is to be flown remains far from clear, even after repeated readings.

Although writer Koch intended the game to be completely unplayable, MAD Magazine received many reprint requests from colleges. Some colleges even attempted to form teams and play the game; the letters column to MAD #97 included several "team photos" and accounts from new acolytes of the sport. A student from Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute issued a public challenge to Harvard, and sent in photographs of its team in poses taken from the original article. A photo of the team from the University of Alberta accompanied a letter exulting that "we happen to be the only undefeated Squamish team in Western Canada, mainly because we are the only team in Western Canada, and we haven't played a game. We can't understand why we have no opposition." A letter from the Athletic Committe of Marquette University reported that three of its Squamish players had been suspended for "sportsmanlike conduct."

28 years later, MAD debuted the alleged board game "Three-Cornered Pitney," also written by Tom Koch, which featured similarly ridiculous rules.

Participants

Each team consists of one left and one right Inside Grouch, one left and one right Outside Grouch, four Deep Brooders, four Shallow Brooders, five Wicket Men, three Offensive Niblings, four Quarter-Frummerts, two Half-Frummerts, one Full-Frummert, two Overblats, two Underblats, nine Back-Up Finks, two Leapers and a Dummy — for a total of 43.

The game officials are a Probate Judge (dressed as a British judge, with wig), a Field Representative (in a Scottish kilt), a Head Cockswain (in long overcoat), and a Baggage Smasher (dressed as a male beachgoer in pre-World War I years). None has any authority after play has begun.

Playing field

Squamish is played on a five-sided field, or Flutney, and the game is normally played within seven 15-minute Ogres, or eight if it's raining.

Equipment

*An Official Pritz (or ball) is 3-3/4 inches in diameter. It is constructed from untreated Ibex hide, and is stuffed with Blue Jay feathers.
*Each player is equipped with a Frullip, a long hooked stick very similar in appearance to a shepherd's crook. It is used to prevent opposing players from scoring with the Pritz.
*Gloves, a helmet, and flippers are also required in an official Squamish game. Any extra padding is suggested, but optional.

Gameplay

Before any game, the Probate Judge must first flip a coin, usually a new Spanish peseta, while the Visiting Captain guesses the toss. If he guesses correctly, the game is cancelled immediately. If not, the Home Team Captain must then decide if he wishes to play offense or defense first. Play begins after a frullip is touched to the flutney and the recitation "My uncle is sick but the highway is green!" is intoned in Spanish. Penalties are applied for infractions such as walling the Pritz, icing on fifth snivel, running with the mob, rushing the season, inability to face facts, and sending the Dummy home early.

The offensive team has five Snivels (equivalent to downs in American football) to advance to the enemy goal. Carrying the Pritz across the goal line is a Woomik and scores 17 points; hitting it across with the frullip counts as a Durmish and only scores 11 points. Except in the 7th Ogre (and the 8th, if it rains), only the offensive Niblings and Overblats are allowed to score. In such cases, the four Quarter-Frummerts are allowed to kick or throw the Pritz, and the nine Finks are allowed to heckle the opposition by doing imitations of Barry Goldwater.

The teams are to play a sudden-death overtime to break a tie, unless both Left Overblats are out of the game on personal fouls. If this is the case, the tie is settled by the teams lining up on opposite sides of the flutney and shouting dirty limericks at each other until one side breaks up laughing.

When an insufficient number of players precludes a regulation 43-Man Squamish match, a simplified version may be played: 2-Man Squamish. The rules are the same, except in 2-Man Squamish, the object is to lose.

Cultural references

43-Man Squamish is referenced on a Trivial Pursuit-style question card in the "Weird Al" Yankovic parody video "White & Nerdy". "Weird Al" also mentions the sport in an episode of "The Weird Al Show".

A commercially released bootleg CD of music by Pink Floyd was titled "My Uncle Is Sick Because The Highway Is Green", a slight misquote of the phrase used to begin play in 43-Man Squamish. [cite web | url=http://www.pf-roio.de/roio/roio-cd/my_uncle_sick.cd.html | title=RoIO CD: My Uncle Is Sick Because The Highway Is Green]

The game has given birth to a non-Greek college service organization also called "Squamish," analogous to a fraternity/sorority.

ee also

*Blernsball
*Brockian Ultra-Cricket
*Calvinball
*Double Fanucci
*Fizzbin
*Moopsball
*Mornington Crescent (game)
*Squamish, British Columbia

External links

[http://www.collectmad.com/madcoversite/index-quiz_olympics.html The original article]

References